Congratulations. You, the reader, have proven worthy of entry into an ancient and honorable line of interns: that of Jay’s Right Hand. Take this responsibility and run with it, for only then shall the Gods of a real job smile at you. Some succeed in this endeavor; others fail. Your destiny rests solely upon your own two shoulders, so don’t let yourself down.
Now, you will repeat after me.
I, ______________ (your name), promise to:
1) Log into my email account (firstname.lastname@example.org) every morning before arriving at the office and check my Google Alerts folder for any news items worthy of the media report that I will then write. For my convenience, a copy of a standard-looking media report can be found here. I will then send this media report to email@example.com.
2) When I arrive at the office, I will say hello to Manuel at the reception desk downstairs because he is nice and aged.
3) When I arrive at my desk, I will log into the Online Ticket Request System (OTRS) here and parse through the spam/media requests that have popped up overnight. My login credentials are username: aevert and password: wikione. I will respond and forward and forge templates.
4) I will take the news stories I deemed significant enough for the Media Report and turn them into PDF files using this converter, and then I will upload these PDF files into the Dropbox folder titled ‘Coverage 2011’. My credentials for accessing dropbox are my email (firstname.lastname@example.org) and my password (w******).
4) I will update the WMF Global Press Contact List here with any new information Jay sends my way, making sure to keep it super nice and orderly.
5) I will maintain the organization of the Merchandise closet, the Merchandise archive, and the poster/craft area, for even though I likely will not hang much on the walls, those who came before me did and it is a time-honored tradition that must be respected.
6) If I prove myself worthwhile, I will assist Jay with any writing / editing responsibilities or projects that he assigns me, even if it’s really nice outside, for special projects are my area to shine and prove my worth. This being said, I will be wary of becoming the office bitch for anyone else. My devotion lies with Jay and Jay alone, unless I am legitimately interested in someone else’s work.
7) I will use my free time to create a personal Wikipedia username and edit actual Wiki articles, for this is how I will come to appreciate and respect the community.
8) If fate ever crosses my path with a former Comm Intern, I will show deference.
I am ready to learn the New Way. I will go forth and work hard. But not too hard.
(commence sacrificial lamb slaughtering)