Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A Postcard Extra

Last night I walked home from the gym, my usual red-faced, sweaty self. As I waited for a green light on the corner across from my apartment, a French family surrounded me. The father was preoccupied with a map, the mother with taking pictures of City Hall, and the kids with pointing excitedly up at Alamo Square Park. The park does take on a bit of an ethereal quality close to sunset, with clouds sweeping in from the West and an orange skyline setting the dozens of circling planes a-twinkle. I routinely feel like a background figure in a postcard - it goes with my neighborhood's territory. Sometimes when I'm standing on my porch, I pretend I'm an animatronic waving at all the tourists. And to them, that's pretty much what I am. Trippy. Even so, there's something about being a living accessory to a glamorous location while still sweating from the gym that makes the situation even sweeter. "This is me" I picture myself saying to the tourists, hands on my hips, "and I am this San Francisco street. Go ahead. Snap away."

Monday, July 30, 2012

The Weekend, in 10 Bullets

  • Ate free cheese at the Walt Disney Museum's premiere night party. 
  • Talked horror-movie shop over Vodka Sodas until 2 am. 
  • Accompanied a surly, jet-lagged friend to brunch. 
  • Bloody Mary!
  • Watched another four episodes of LOST
  • Stared in horror at an irritating group of "improv actors" in the park. 
  • Shook with mirth when the most irritating "actor" of the brunch sprained his ankle. 
  • Bloody Mary!
  • Stepped foot in / purchased clothing from American Apparel for the first (and last?) time ever. 
  • Finally made it to The Dark Knight Rises in IMAX; pined the whole way through for the Joker. 

Friday, July 27, 2012


The last time I watched the Olympics I was abroad in New Zealand. They had competitors in very few events, and both (yes, both) of the country's channels showed nothing but up-to-the-minute footage of what was happening to its dozen or so athletes. Four years later, US coverage of the opening ceremony is competing with breaking news updates on superkiller James Holmes, I'm watching the proceedings from a desktop in my fluorescent-lit office in San Francisco, and everyone knows I'm gay. Ah, 2008, what a lifetime away you are.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

At the Ballgame

Yesterday our office went to a Giants game together. On our walk over, we stopped at Red's Java House, where I had three Bloody Marys and two Tequila shots. Rowdier, we then proceeded to AT&T Park. A baseball cap there costs $40, so I settled for letting my scalp burn. I watched about two innings and then went and paid $11 for an Irish Coffee. I was worried that I might overdo it in front of the people who I have to sit beside 40+ hours a week. I made my way home by 6pm, passed out for two hours, and woke up at 8 still exhausted. "Good thing I took it easy," I thought, "otherwise tomorrow morning would've sucked." Then later a spider crawled over me in bed and I killed it, the juicier details of which are too embarrassing for me to recount. I'll only say I ended up sleeping on the couch. I woke up today early and chipper and made it to the office right on time. In turned out everyone else had partied until roughly 4 am and half of them had called in sick. Moral: don't worry about what others might think, just drink. Drink, dammit!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


Last night I was sitting at my desk, drinking a glass of water (not alcohol) and catching up on CNN (not porn) when something massive exploded with a loud fucking CRACK on the street outside of my apartment. A flash of white light illuminated my blinds, and then all was silent. I have previously considered myself the type who'd immediately spring into action at the first sign of a gunshot / explosion / danger, but now I know that it takes a good four seconds for me to think of anything more strategic than "what the fuck!". By the time I'd come to my senses and thrown myself behind my bed, I definitely would have been killed... if the explosion had been the first of a series of gunshots aimed at my windows. Luckily, it wasn't, and after a few minutes passed I stepped outside to investigate. All my neighbors were on their porches as well. Word on the street was that dozens of cop cars were dealing with an extension of the emergency two blocks away by Crack Alley (McDonald's). Whatever went down in front of good ole' 931 Fulton last night is classified as: still a mystery.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Weekend, in 10 Bullets

  • Went to Something and watched drag queens act out performance art pieces / dance numbers. 
  • Climbed onto a rooftop.
  • Got home at 2:15 am, ordered GrubHub.
  • Watched Peggy Sue Got Married until 4:15 am, when GrubHub finally showed up. 
  • Decided to be all "productive" by going to the hardware store and buying a soap dish. 
  • Hooked my friend Joe on LOST (essentially re-hooking myself). 
  • Woke up at 10 am Sunday, then fell back asleep and woke up at 1 pm.
  • Developed a mid/high-level crush on a robot in Dolores Park. 
  • Watched Serial Mom (Kathleen Turner was all over the place this weekend). 
  • Stayed up til 3 am for no reason, knowing full well I had work this morning. 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


A few days ago I surveyed the items on display in my apartment and realized a good 75% of what I own qualifies as college leftovers. This is all well and good, except I'm nearly a 25-year-old gay man living in San Francisco, and my taste should have evolved since I lunged for the least expensive, pseudo-classy duvet cover I could find at Bed, Bath, and Beyond six years ago. The problem with upgrading, though, is that once one thing is replaced, the rest has to follow. And preferably sooner than later. How many more times is this going to happen? If I buy a new lamp and bedside rug now, will I be keeping them both another six years? What am I going to favor at 31? I'm reminded of that scene from Fight Club where Edward Norton is doing a voiceover and mentions that he flips through IKEA magazines looking for the perfect couch that will both define his personality and last forever. "That's it. That's the last sofa I'm gonna need." Should I be perturbed that certain elements of my life are beginning to mirror the depressing underbelly of Fight Club? I'm voting yes.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Quarter-life Crisis

Last night I had a friend over. He walked in on me aggressively cleaning my b**g, which has more or less sat in a corner collecting dust for the past year. Then I asked for his opinion on a number of changes I was considering for my apartment. Then I told him I wanted to train for, and ride in, the AIDS Life Cycle next year. Finally I brought up my somewhat irrational fear of being fired from my job, and how although on a personal level I wouldn't be crushed, such a development would suck money-wise. When I realized I'd done nothing for 45 minutes but pick apart my life - even though it's actually a really great one - I figured it's because I'm turning 25 and time isn't making any exceptions for me. What is it I really want? Where do I go for it? And how quickly can I make it happen?

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Weekend, in 10 Bullets

  • Drank at / groped in the Castro.
  • Tried to pass as cool and bro-ish by playing Golden Eye with two straights and a straight gay.
  • Stewed over granola as loud Marina trash blathered on and on in CafĂ© du Soleil.
  • Took my bike for a tune up, ended up with a giant new TV.
  • Contemplated a run, then opted for a two-hour “spontaneous” nap.
  • Drank at / groped in the Castro.
  • Tried to pass as swanky Marina trash as a means of infiltrating their home turf for a badass burger.
  • Ogled a 14-foot miniature of Disneyland at the Disney Family Museum.
  • Contemplated a run, then opted for a leisurely stroll to the gym.
  • Watched Top Secret!

Friday, July 13, 2012

In the Dark it all Feels the Same

Last night the power went down in the massive quadrant between Haight and Divisadero, meaning some 11,000 people were plunged into near-complete dark. I always think I'll be a survivor of the apocalypse until something like this happens. While all the hipsters who were kicked out of the Divisadero art walk and the Independent Theater mulled around, cool, I anxiously biked back to my apartment. "Just 1,100 more feet and I definitely will have made it home without being being run over." Once I'd reached safety, I realized my relaxing night without power wasn't going to be so cushy. A refresher course in what "power outage" actually means: no lights; no internet; no means of ordering food; no means of cooking food; no means of walking anywhere nearby for food. Thank God for the super-gay headlamp my brother's girlfriend recently gifted me. And also for my super-gay purchase of Tina Fey's Bossypants. Together, we whiled away the dark hours. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

One-paragraph Wonders

Maybe I've been working at a B2B agency too long, but I'm starting to really understand that old not-so bullshit saying, "less is more." My big hesitation when contemplating writing new blog posts is that I don't want to focus - or spend the time - composing a dozen hefty paragraphs that revolve around the inanities of my life. Fun as they are, I just can't commit when I have so much other stuff going on. After all, if I'm not out doing, what will there be to write about? Which is why, starting today, I'm  pulling another one of my I-promise's and am resolving to write a new blog post every day of exactly one paragraph in length. Oh, the topics we'll cover! Starting tomorrow.