When I was younger, Seinfeld ruled the Earth. My dad loved it, and although the show's blatant obscenities, sexually propelled plot lines, and overwhelming narcissistic tone were all definitely taboo topics in the Evert household, I was still allowed to watch Jerry, Kramer, Elaine, and George screw each other over every week.
We laughed. We stared in horror. Often, my Mom frowned. I learned that shrinkage was normal, freeballin' was super fun, and that not only was masturbating a common adult activity, but that if you abstained from it for even a 48-hour period, you'd win lots and lots of money.
Although plots grew more outlandish as the seasons progressed, when I heard talk of a final episode, I felt devastated. No more Seinfeld? Say what now?
The series finale - broadcast on May 14, 1998 - unfortunately coincided with one of my brother's little league baseball games. I sat on the sidelines, horrified, as inning after inning brought me ever closer to missing Seinfeld's waning glory. Even worse, my parents didn't seem to care! Their allegiance to the show: a scam. As I whined and complained and devised elaborate methods for my brother to get home without us, a neighboring parent grew tired of my shrill, 11-year-old voice.
"I'll take Sean home, Shannon. Let this kid watch his fucking show."
Thank you, Jill Fincham!
And when all was said and done, I sat, mortified, in the living room. Seinfeld... over? The group... incarcerated? Disappointing, guys. Very disappointing.
But then eleven years marched by, each one forcing my face a little further into the mud that you should all visualize right now as just below my life's invisible timeline. And so now here we are, in 2009. Terrorists attacked. College (pretty much) happened. I know what HBO is. I know a guy named Larry David even exists. Most important, he's staging a Seinfeld comeback! And it's being billed as an "anti-reunion!"
If someone had sat my fat little self down in 1998 and said, "Don't worry, AJ; a really, really long time from now there's going to be more Seinfeld in store for you, but it's going to be better than ever and by the time it happens the eleven years between then and now will have seemed like nothing at all," I would have ran away and hid in my closet. Thank God it didn't happen.
There's a lot more I could say about the crazy nature of this whole situation (like how I randomly happen to have free HBO for the exact three months that this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm is airing... creepy!), but I won't because I'm hungry. Plus, I've got some Seinfeld to watch! Hell yeah!