Friday, October 2, 2009

Loud Sex

So my roommate Josh has this terribly annoying Canadian fuck buddy who spends most of her time staring at me awkwardly/talking about how much she hates America/being a total annoying bitch, and when she's not doing any of those things, she's in Josh's room having loud sex.

But first I should probably clarify Josh's role in this whole thing. He's short, has a Minnesotan accent, smokes constantly, sports a potbelly, is a grad student in Chemistry, and is basically the last person on the planet you would ever want to imagine having loud sex in the room next to yours.

As I type this, Josh is in the living room with this girl from up north. She's moaning like crazy, saying things like, "Ohhh, God!" and "Ahhhhh, Josh! Ahhhhh!" And then "Ohhhhhhhhh!" again and again and again. I have my music on, but there's pretty much no hope in blocking her fucking obnoxious voice. Even when they're not screwing around, she's really, really loud.

Not to mention the spanking. It turns out Josh is a spanker. He likes to spank swift, and he likes to spank loud. I estimate the spanking will begin about fifteen minutes from now. Mark my words. I'll be sitting here, typing out the last sentence or two of this post, and all I'll be able to concentrate on is the brutal snap of flesh on flesh that will resound, like a dense library book dropped on a tabletop, from twelve feet over.

How did this guy get this girl? Why would any guy put up with such a girl? What kind of crazy, drug-induced euphoria is spurring such a repulsive attraction? It's like train wreck sex: I don't want to concentrate on the sounds, but at the same time I can't turn away.

They've already moved to the bedroom. It's explicit, what's going on, and I dont feel that further description will do any of us a favor. Just be glad you aren't here. I know I wish I wasn't.

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